Freedom On Toast

So, last night I went to see Big Al and heard his presentation - which included how to effectively communicate - and how to manipulate (doesn’t that sound awful?) with a few simple words.

Now, I am not a particularly manipulative person and wasn’t sure I could really use the techniques he taught even though, I have to admit, they didn’t FEEL very manipulative and I am quite sure they are effective.

So as I sat and pondered how I could or would use my new-found manipulative communication skills, I thought about a few key phrases he used.

1.  “I’m curious…” - Geared to get people talking openly.

2.  “Would it be okay if…”  - Geared to get people to say yes.

3.  “There are two types of people in the world…” - Geared to get the person to pick the option that sounds more socially acceptable.

Then the light bulb went off.  You see, I have the very unfortunate opportunity to speak with the IRS about my 2007 tax returns.  Now mind you, they were prepared by a professional accountant and all the “i”s are dotted and “t”s are crossed.  So I am really not all that worried.  Our records are sound.  But nonetheless, it will no doubt require hours of putsy meetings, calls and who knows what and over how much time- something I frankly don’t have an excess amount of.

So here’s the plan.  During our first meeting, I’m using Big Al techniques.

“I’m curious, Mrs. IRS Tax Lady, why would you want to audit someone who has impeccable records?”

Or how about…

“Would it be okay if we charged you for our time and expense?”

Or my favorite Big Al technique…

“There are two types of people in the world.  Those that pick on small business owners who have always worked, always paid their taxes and always contributed positively to society and those who appreciate a hard working family when they see one.

Honestly, with all the corruption we have seen in the headlines doesn’t the IRS have anyone more…substantial to pick on?  Geez.

So hats off to Big Al.  The presentation was good and I’ll be trying my new-found techniques any day now.  I know that wasn’t the intention of the presentation, but I see no reason why the communication skills I learned can’t be applied to all aspects of life.

To learn more about Big Al and all his really wonderful (I mean that) teachings, visit www.FortuneNow.com

I am sort of a geek.  I love Christmas music and love to have it playing as I am decorating for the holidays or doing anything related to the holidays.   That’s my confession for the day.

So I found it amusing today when I found this article about the 10 worse Christmas songs of all time (according to spinner.com).  Now, I have to admit, I haven’t heard some of these, but just their titles intrigue me.  Who would name a Christmas song,  “Merry Christmas (I don’t want to fight tonight)” anyway?  It sort of implies that there is fighting all the time so heck - let’s take the day off!  Hmmm, doesn’t quit bring about the warm, fuzzy feelings of the holiday spirit now does it!  Or how about the “Christmas Conga?”  It exceeds my meager imagination.

So here’s the list.  You can have fun finding your own least favorite.  I am sure you can see any of these on YouTube.com. 

Here is a list of the top ten worst Christmas songs according to spinner.com.

1) Cyndi Lauper - “Christmas Conga”

2) Destiny’s Child - “8 Days of Christmas”

3) No Doubt - “Oi to the World”

4) The Ramones - “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)”

5) Clay Aiken - “Merry Christmas With Love”

6) The Beach Boys - “Santa’s Beard”

7) Bruce Springsteen - “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”

The Smashing Pumpkins - “Christmastime”

PS - I have no idea why the little smiley guy is there.  It’s not an indication of my personal favorite.

9) Paul McCartney - “Wonderful Christmastime”

10) Madonna - “Santa Baby”

However, in the interest of holiday tradition, don’t forget to listen to a little Bing as he croons White Christmas!

Maybe it’s a Monday affliction.  Maybe it’s because I have had a cold for about 6 weeks.  Maybe it’s because I am really dreaming of sitting on a beach with a cute beach waiter serving me frilly drinks.  Yet when I look out the window all I see is wind blowing snow around.  Maybe it’s just because they are funny!

But I ran across a website today that made me laugh.  Not just a little chuckle, but an outright laugh out loud laugh.

We all know that a motivational comment can pick us up a bit.  That just the right words can give us a kick in the rear end and move us toward action.  But we also know that sometimes, even though we KNOW motivational comments are a good thing, sarcasm has it’s place in our world.  I know you are so surprised to learn that I can enjoy sarcasm sometimes (yeah right!) but this site was so funny I think I might buy a few just because.

Want to see what all the laughing was about?  Visit www.Despair.com  If you don’t laugh yourself then I will add you to my holiday list but don’t be surprised when you receive a poster that says,

Indifference

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Geez, sometimes the news is so…dumb!  Today it was announced that we are in a recession.  I wanted to yell at the TV and say DUH!  I wonder how many economists got together to figure that out?  I mean come on!  The dow is down.  The foreclosures are up.  The unemployment rate is up.  And they just figured this out today?  We have bailed out insurance giants.  We will likely bailout the auto industry.  Heck, we even bailed out the banks!  If the banks can’t figure it out how do they expect us to figure it out?   I’ll be making my own pitch for a bailout any day now - and I am so sure they will just dole out a couple million to me.

Really, in spite of all those things, life is relatively good!  People are out buying presents for the holidays at a higher rate than expected.  Companies are still hiring albeit at a slower rate.  And I see people driving new cars almost everyday.  So call it what you want but the majority of people seem to be moving along in life with seemingly little change to their day to day lives.  Heck, even the gas prices are down.  And the “Big Boys” are still flying their private jets to Washington to ask for money!  Everything seems status quo is you ask me.

So go ahead.  Call it a recession today if you want.  But don’t live like it’s a recession.  Go about your normal business and before you know it the media will be calling it an economic upturn and we will all believe that too.

If all else fails, you can email me and I will tell you how the economy is doing.  After all, I seem to know as much as anyone else in spite of the fact that I don’t have a degree in economics or a panel of experts on hand.

Happy Thanksgiving!  As we celebrate with friends and family today, I thought you might enjoy some fun Thanksgiving facts (provided by www.History.com).

• The American Automobile Association (AAA) estimated that 38.7 million Americans would travel 50 miles or more from home for the Thanksgiving holiday, a slight increase (1.5 percent) over the previous year.  Of those Americans traveling for Thanksgiving in 2007, approximately 80 percent (31.2 million) were expected to go by motor vehicle, 12.1 percent (4.7 million) by airplane and the rest (2.8 million) by train, bus or other mode of transportation.
• The National Turkey Federation estimated that 46 million turkeys—one fifth of the annual total of 235 million consumed in the United States in 2007—were eaten at Thanksgiving.
• The cranberry is one of only three fruits—the others are the blueberry and the Concord grape—that are entirely native to North American soil, according to the Cape Cod Cranberry Growers’ Association.
• According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest pumpkin pie ever baked weighed 2,020 pounds and measured just over 12 feet long. It was baked on October 8, 2005 by the New Bremen Giant Pumpkin Growers in Ohio, and included 900 pounds of pumpkin, 62 gallons of evaporated milk, 155 dozen eggs, 300 pounds of sugar, 3.5 pounds of salt, 7 pounds of cinnamon, 2 pounds of pumpkin spice and 250 pounds of crust.
• Originally known as Macy’s Christmas Parade—to signify the launch of the Christmas shopping season—the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade took place in New York City in 1924. It was launched by Macy’s employees and featured animals from the Central Park Zoo. Today, some 3 million people attend the annual parade and another 44 million watch it on television.  Snoopy has appeared as a giant balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade more times than any other character in history. As the Flying Ace, Snoopy made his sixth appearance in the 2006 parade.

May you all be blessed this Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!  I found this cute poem and thought I would share.  The site I found it on is www.Thanksgiving-Day.org and the writer is only identified as Lauren.  So enjoy the poem and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

T’was the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned,
The dark meat and white.
But I fought the temptation,
With all of my might.
Tossing and turning,
with anticipation.
The thought of a snack
became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey,
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
Beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling,
So plump and so round.
‘til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling,
Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding,
And a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell
As I soared past the trees
Happy eating to all,
Pass the cranberries, please!!
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize
And May your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!
by Lauren

All the goodies!

Okay, if you are a Mom, I know you have probably had this fantasy. But I SWEAR I am going to do it.

I am going to get a roll of that police tape that says, “Do Not Enter” and put it in select spots throughout my house. Why you ask? Because here’s the all too familiar scenario. I have just cleaned and dusted my desk area. My desk is large so cleaning and organizing it can be a daunting task if not tackled on a regular basis. So, it’s clean. Whew. I leave to go get a cup of delicious vanilla latte (no foam please - waste of good coffee space) and return to find what? Stuff all over my freshly cleaned desk. Not MY stuff but things like my daughter’s flute, my husband’s football picks, a can coolee (without a pop - what’s the point of that?), hair binders, a flashlight and a CD. I was gone 15 minutes. I am certain that while I was away my family instituted an elaborate plan to put as much STUFF as possible in my freshly cleaned area. Sort of like a family contest.

Or here’s another favorite of mine. I have taken care of my morning routine, including making the beds. My husband showers, gets out and decides he’s cold. So what does he do? He pulls the comforter and sheets back (they are practically in the next room at this point) and crawls back in bed because “he’s cold.” Now mind you he has at least 2 or 3 robes but no, that would not require trashing anything so he doesn’t go for that option!

So you can see the benefit my new roll of police tape would have! I could cordon off my office. I could run a circle around the bed. And oh, there are so many other areas that hold promise! Of course I would have to be careful about visitors because with all my new tape they would no doubt think a multiple homicide had taken place - to which I could reply, “not yet.” <smile>

Now I know I usually keep things positive and neutral (relatively speaking) but I want to fuss today. You see, last week I had two pain in the butt situations that made me really want to question the morals or at least sense of people.

First, somebody decided they wanted to go on a shopping spree - with MY debit card. Now I know we all enjoy a good splurge but it is commonly assumed that you will only spend your money or maybe the money of your family. Obviously some have other ideas. You see, he (I say he because he told the order department he was Ken) wanted me to buy him a laptop computer. Now, I am generally a nice person and even generous when I can be. But even my daughter had to buy her own laptop. But that’s not even the part that pushed me closer to the edge. It was the THREE, not one, not two, but THREE orders to a…are you ready? To a CHRISTIAN clothing store that got me. Now I know that some people are thieves. I get that. But to purchase Christian clothing with a stolen card? COME ON! I can see it now…

Ken - “Hi God, it’s nice to see you
God - “Hi Ken. I was sorry to see you had died”
Ken - “Yeah, I guess I live too close to the edge sometimes.”
God - “You know, Ken, I don’t understand why you stole Kim’s debit card to buy Christian clothing?”
Ken - “Well God, I wanted to wear something to spread the good word.”
God - “Well, I appreciate that you want to spread the good word, but did you know we have rules? They are called the 10 Commandments and one of them is Thou Shall Not Steal.”
Ken - “But I was using it for good.”

Do people really think like this? Geez. Good thing I believe most people are inherently good.

So that’s strike one.

Then, my daughter attends a volleyball play-off game and is playing with the school band. As they CAN’T (read aren’t allowed) to carry their cases as they are on the field playing music, they leave their cases in a student area - after they have already passed through security. So what happens? Security decides unattended cases are a threat to security and confiscate the cases. Okay, I can deal with security in general and although it is another pain in my butt, I figure I can drive 25 miles to get it back. But no, when I contact security, they tell me they don’t have any music cases, that Lost and Found will have it. So does Lost and Found have it? Of course not. Nobody knows anything about it. And it’s not just her case - several others were taken as well. So what - there’s a instrument case thieves ring? What in the world would people want with a bunch of empty instrument cases? Maybe I should check eBay as when I called the store (yes, I gave up after several calls and conversations) to order another they wanted almost $70.00. Which of course I didn’t have my debit card to pay for.

Strike two.

All in all I still retain my general optimism. But next time I see someone with a nice Christian shirt I am going to yell, “Hey Ken!” and see if my debit card turns up.

With Halloween just around the corner, it’s that time to pull out all the stops. Express yourself. Have fun. Scare some people (because you can!)

But alas, that means coming up with the ever challenging costume. No fear, I have found the perfect site to help you out. Take a short quiz and find out exactly which character you should arrive at the party dressed as. Or you could just stay home and hand out candy. BORING! Here’s the site to help you with your costume - specifically geared to match your unique personality (yeah right - but who cares - it’s fun anyway.) http://quiz.ivillage.com/home/tests/halloween.htm

Now I have to admit, my list is more than a little scary. Trust me, French Maid I’m not. And even more curious is how Hilary Clinton and the French Maid landed on the same list but hey who am I to analyze? So here are my options. Hmmm. Such decisions.

• Hilary Clinton (How do you actually dress up like Hilary? What does that mean?)
  
• French Maid (Um, that’s not a pretty picture.)
  
• Belly Dancer (Ditto.)
  
• Sexy Devil (Ditto. Geez, how DID I answer those questions?)
  
• Cruella DeVille (Love dogs too much to be Cruella.)
  
• Goddess (Oh yeah, that’s me!)
  
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Okay, I could be a tough chick and save the world.)
  
• Marilyn Monroe (Who’s she? I’m KIDDING!)
  

Well, it seems I will be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I can handle this role. I’ll be all BAD and save the world from evil. Yeah, I can do that!

Now that I have helped solve your (potentially) greatest dilemma of the week, let me know who YOUR character is.

Happy Haunting!